Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
