I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
