i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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