My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
