if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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