I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
