Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
