plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
