VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
