your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
