My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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