I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
