You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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