so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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