My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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