he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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