shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
