he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
