My liver just broke up with me...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
