i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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