my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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