A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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