The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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