I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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