i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
this hospital has no fireball
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
