I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
