feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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