i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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