tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
