remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
