i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
