You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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