if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
