Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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