Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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