so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
