I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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