I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
