By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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