I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
