Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
