I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
