Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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