I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
