i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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