dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
