We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
