wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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