May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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