your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
