1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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