Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
