You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Help me help you realize you are a moron
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
