it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
